A friend of mine is going through some personal problems in his marriage right now. I truly respect him for his honesty and integrity. And at the same time, I'm very honored that he was willing to share with me. Instead of acting out of frustration, he decided to sit down and write down his feelings. Speaking your thoughts and writing them down can be very therapeutic. You're better able to internalize the problems, allowing room for growth, instead of just reacting to them in a negative, and sometimes very unhealthy way.
So he decided to blog, although he's not officially a blogger. When I read it, I asked him to please allow me to post it. I invite you to read it. It's funny. It's real. It's relatable. And he shows a vulnerable side that most men are afraid to reveal.
You know it's true.
Women are always given a platform to voice their problems. Everything from physical abuse to just plain being disrespected by the men in their lives. And men are considered weak for taking on the 'feminine' role of talking about their feelings. Men are stereotyped as being hard and closed-lipped when it comes to talking about their pain and the realities of their relationships. We ask them to talk to us. We ask them to be open with us. We always say that this is what we need from them, but are we really willing to listen?
So I decided to give a brother the spotlight. And boy did he have a mouthful to say. It's honest and real, and was very enlightening to me as a woman. So open your minds and listen as you read his words.
Love...$50 at the candy store. $150 at the Florist.
Happiness...$2,500 for a night at a posh hotel.
When I was young I was told by many to seek love, peace, and happiness. The funny thing about that is the fact that most people say it without ever seeking it. The other thing is, we as people always seem to put emphasis on the love and happiness, but not the peace. Al Greene, one of greatest singers ever, made a #1 hit song called, "Love and Happiness." The song takes it's listeners on a journey through the highs and lows of a love relationship and what two people are really capable of. One verse I seem to recall very well, "Love will make you do right. Love will make you do wrong. Make you come home early. Make you stay out all night long. Oh, talkin' bout power. The power of love."
Back to the matter at hand...Peace!
Why does everyone forget to put a emphasis on the importance of peace? How can we enjoy love, and how can we recognize happiness if we don't have peace? Many of us have learned to adapt to such hectic and stressful lifestyles that peace becomes a sacrifice for greater tangible gifts. The gifts we hold in high regard are at best material, replaceable, and temporary.
For example, we may think that staying on a job that affords us the ability to pay our bills is worth the extra stress. Well if you have enslaved yourself to a job by acquiring things that are far above your means, then yes it might be worth the stress for you. But it would be wonderful if everyone could have enough financial security and/or family/friendly resources to come to their aid in the case of an emergency. I think taking time away from a job or anything else that may be stealing your peace should be labeled a dire emergency. And it should be handled fast, because what a lot of people fail to realize is that the very things we claim to live for can also be the things we end up dying for. "I'm here to tell you, it ain't worth the stress."
You know what else ain't worth the stress?
Well let's begin the list.
1.)A spouse that you can never please because she is unhappy with who you are at the core.
The core is the depth of your spirit and the essence of who you are. Fortunately, and at times unfortunately, what you see at the core - good, bad, or ugly - is what you get in the end and possibly for a lifetime. We need to realize, after a certain age, people really don't change, so why not change your environment if you're unhappy? If you're in a environment that is sucking the peace out of you, then guess what? It is also sucking the energy out of you. And once you lose the energy that makes you who you are, then you are basically useless for your God given purpose. Maaannn, I've been beaten down to the point of feeling like a zombie. What good is having a zombie for a spouse?
You may have guessed it by now, but just in case, yes this article is by an angry, married, man. It's purpose? To shed some light from the testosterone point of view. Everyone hears about the woes of the angry woman, but in the background you have a man silently screaming to be heard. But there's a problem. If we complain to anyone outside of our wives or the marriage counselors, which by the way always seem to be WOMAN-sided, oops, I mean ONE-sided, then we are criticized and ridiculed for taking issues outside of the marriage. It seems that only our wives have the right to speak of, talk about, or complain about their marriages.
I believe that the marriage vows need to be rewritten for the sake of honesty and openness. For men It should start off more like our Miranda rights.
--You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in any court this woman decides to take you to.
--You have the right to retain a lawyer. If for some reason your wife has taken all the money out the account before you, and you can't afford a lawyer, then one will be appointed to you by the state.
--You also have many other rights, but just like the legal system, we won't tell you about any that might benefit you in this marriage until it's too late! GOTCHA!
--Now do you understand your rights?
--And even if you're unsure about this marriage thing - still trying to figure out how you've made it thus far - say "I do" anyway.
--You may now kiss the judge, because this woman is going to judge you for the rest of your life,in spite of what you say or do. No amount of money in the world, or anything else you think your money can buy, will please her. No amount of love you shower on her will ever make her believe she's really fortunate for having you in her life. She will always make you feel inadequate based on her own insecurities with herself. She will always suspect you of cheating when she puts you on poo poo punishment, because she can't conceive that you're actually disciplined enough to be without her and maintain your respect for the marriage, since she truly does not believe men can go without sex for long periods of time. And somewhere in this sick, twisted mental game, she may actually want you to cheat,so when she catches you, she can use the defense: My husband's a cheating dog!
Well is a dog wrong for eating the neighbors dog food if his owner won't feed him? (Poor Hungry Dog)
Should a dog die of starvation because his owner has punished him?
These questions are concerns that both men and woman should be aware of. But the most important thing is your peace. Where's the peace?
I once read a scripture in the bible that stated, and with all thy getting get understanding. The verse went on to describe how precious wisdom is and how it outlasts all things. I think the verse could have easily been describing peace as well as wisdom. To me peace is precious and valuable, and more important than most things we put before it. How can we ever appreciate life without the peace in life it takes to enjoy it?
Sisters and brothers hear me and trust,
the mess really ain't worth the stress.
Your lover, your job, or anything else that you may feel indebted or committed to should bring you peace. And peace should naturally be just as expected as love and happiness. I remember watching a movie, Disappearing Acts, starring Wesley Snipes and Sanaa Lathan. One line from the movie struck me pretty hard. Wesley's character's ex girlfriend and "baby momma" said to him, "Well you tell her to call me. I'll tell her, 'honey the big d*#! ain't worth the stress'"
Well brothers, here's my version of that line. Oh yeah, I was working on a list wasn't I? Anyway...
2.) The big butt ain't worth the stress.
3.) The breasts ain't worth the stress.
4.) Her sex ain't worth the stress.
And fellas c'mon, I know you know by now,
5.) The pretty smile definitely ain't worth the stress.
Everyday you step out the door and you may see a sister that's a bit more blessed in certain areas than your baby may be. That's just the work of God and he has created the most diverse formula for what we call beauty and what attracts a man to a woman. Take me, for instance. I've never been a man to pay much attention to a woman's legs, but as I've grown older and studied the anatomy of woman, in all of it's beautiful femininity, I now can appreciate her from the root of her hair to the bottom of her feet.
I've learned something else. Once you find that special someone...the right one, all the things I said weren't worth the stress, suddenly become worth it.
Well the one for you - no, really the one God has for you - will be worth all that and then some. When you measure the amount of PEACE, LOVE, and JOY she will add to your life, only a fool would risk losing her over foolishness. You will then be able to make statements like "nothing is worth me losing my wife or family." "For the sake of our marriage, I'm gonna stop doing that thing she keeps complaining about, because it's not worth disappointing her." "I absolutely love making her happy. When her eyes smile, my heart smiles."
Those are just a few heartfelt sentiments I long to genuinely utter about my life with my wife. Over time, life teaches us what's important. The reason so many marriages are broken and bent is because we try before we buy. Once you try, the relationship begins to cloud your spiritual judgement about what's good for your spirit and what's not. The test-drive method has been the reason for giving someone another chance for the sake of "it just feels so good." Or the reason, in some cases, for not giving a good brother a second chance, because it wasn't quite good enough. And the same goes for women. Men sometimes try to hold their ladies to the standards of a lust affair he had with a stripper or his wildest fantasy, instead of allowing her to grow into that fantasy and eventually becoming his personal, private dancer.
I hope my venting helps somebody out there in cyber space. I honestly feel a lot better for haven written it. And it darn sure beats cruising the streets for trouble or digging up the little black book for a quick fix. Personally, I don't believe in quick fixes. I believe in all or nothing. And once I have given my all, once I've given everything I have and I'm running on empty, if my house still remains unchanged, I will tear it down and rebuild without hesitation, and without regret. For I will have learned a valuable lesson and gained so much wisdom in the process. I'll be ready, and the next time, my house will have a solid foundation, with sturdy walls and a leak proof ceiling, because the materials I will have chosen will be much better suited for my blueprint.
If there is a next time, the next relationship I build with someone will last forever. And if she ever attempts to leave me, then hell...I'm going with her.
Funny but true!
I'm signing out, but remember in all thine getting, along with wisdom, also try for some peace! I'm not an advocate of divorce or any other drastic measures, but these are my thoughts...the thoughts from the mind of an angry, married man who has not acted out wrongfully on any of his emotions. I will say though, that with each passing day of this marriage, I am learning how to treasure the simple, most basic pleasures of life and love and how to be complete within myself.
Sincerely my thoughts,
A Hurt, Angry, Married Man.